Wednesday, October 23, 2013

The return

So here I am.
At long last.

It has taken me almost 4 years to make another post.
I never made a conscious decision to give up on this blog. There were many reasons why I didn't post an entry: the first one was being hospitalised shortly after my last post. Then of course motherhood claimed my existence entirely with the birth of my baby boy in January 2010. Once I had settled into my new role as a mother, I fully intended to come back and post on the experience of the remainder of my pregnancy. UC stayed with me. And therein lay my dilemma. I had secretly hoped that because it was something that had found me in my pregnancy, it would miraculously disappear once my pregnancy ended. But it didn't.

The period of my life during which I started this blog was a dark one. It was supposed to be an amazing time as it was my first pregnancy - and there were beautiful moments. But I was new to the world of UC and I struggled with the hold it had over me. I struggled with accepting it as part of my new identity as I was afraid it would overpower my identity as it had my life. I was very much in denial about it and the terrible twosome shame and fear kept me from sharing my true experiences with those closest to me. Surely if I pretended that everything was alright then it would be, right?

The more I tried to ignore the effects on UC on my body and life, the more it tightened its grip on me. In a way this blog was the closest I got to being completely honest about it.

So here I am, 4 years later. I am a mother to two beautiful boys. I am healthy (most of the time). I have faced many demons and I am pretty sure there are more to face when the time is right. UC has not claimed my identity but I am working on not feeling ashamed and inadequate because of it. I accept it is a part of my life but that doesn't mean I have given up on finding ways to deal with it better. I still believe that I may one day be one of the 10 percent that is cured. And I will always pray for a cure.

I remember clearly wondering 4 years ago...UC - what did I need TO SEE? I racked my brains trying to figure out what, if any, message this disease held for me. I was at a loss for answers.

Over these years, some answers have revealed themselves to me. I do see many things I couldn't back then - the way I chose to see myself and the relationships around me.

So here I am. Back again. I hope to over the next posts to share the rest of my pregnancy experience(s) and the effect that UC had on them.

Till next time....

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